Obama administration to fund health care with foot odor tax

Washington DC -

Senior White House Correspondent, Wendy Delgorius-Cranston

In an unprecedented move, the Obama administration has presented a radical funding proposal to Congress. Called the “Foot odor abatement and greenhouse gas reduction act of 2009″, its seventeen thousand, five hundred and twenty six page submission details a sliding scale taxation to be added to the Internal Revenue Service collection codes.

Popularly known in the media as the “Tootsie Tax”, it’s been drafted as part of a tax relief package slated to assist in the funding of health care reform. Many analysts from both ends of the political spectrum have speculated that the bill has been submitted to capital hill in a move on the part of house Democrats to preemptively take the tax relief high ground Republicans have traditionally held. If this is the case, it represents a bold strategy move and shift in traditional Democratic policies that conservative Republicans have long labeled “tax and spend”. So called “tax and spend” economic bail out bills  have been widely criticized and have negatively affected the administrations approval rating, damaging their political clout, even among select members of their own party.

Although officially structured on a sliding scale taxation model, the “Tootsie Tax” would levy a base tax of 5% on the level of toxic odors being excreted from an area extending from the center of the arch and not to exceed .05 inch below the ankle. Taxpayers will have to be examined individually before April 14 of the tax year and a gas reading submitted with their IRS Filing.  It’s unclear how this will effect the filing of state taxes as this would most likely be left to the individual state’s tax board.

In addition to the predicted income generated by the Tootsie Tax, two additional benefits would be secondary to the stated goal of the bill. Global warming expert and Nobel laureate, former Vice President Al Gore was a key adviser to Mr. Obama during the drafting of the proposal. His input was vital as he collated data from leading liberal environmental scientists. This data indicated that a 72% increase in harmful greenhouse gases would occur over the next twelve years if the emissions of airborne foot chemicals weren’t reduced or better, eliminated. Greenhouse gases are thought to be major contributors to the greenhouse effect, reportedly responsible for a significant rise in climate temperature worldwide.  A controversial  principle, reduction of greenhouse gases was a key element of President Obama’s election platform. Critics of the Tootsie Tax claim that it provides an ideal way for the president to follow through on this campaign promise with a minimum of political risk.

The second, and likely more significant factor, is the political and financial support the administration would receive from the medical community. The proposed 5% cosmetic procedure tax created a severe backlash that took the White House by surprise. The base income generated by the Tootsie Tax would be equal to the proposed 5% cosmetic procedure tax, and that tax proposal could be shelved until a better opportunity presented itself.  The association of American Podiatry specialists have overwhelmingly expressed their support for the Tootsie Tax because it would mean increased business and new equipment. In addition, tax breaks would be afforded them to offset the costs of installing costly government subsidized mass spectrometer scanners that measure the levels and types of foot odors to be taxed.

At this time, the White House will not comment when asked if they plan to submit a separate bill introducing foot odor tax exemptions for the middle class and medical vouchers for orthopedic shoes.

In an official statement , White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said, “We are pleased with this package. The administration hasn’t consulted with the Congressional Budget Office, but we are confident that this %5 additional governmental income will significantly offset the $849 billion dollar cost of health care reform. The question of how to most effectively administer this program is still on the table. Two possibilities are being seriously looked at. We could tailor a new department for the purpose, or assign it to the Beauro of Weights and Measures.”